AI 10 Report Card Top 9: Wow! I Still Love Rock N Roll!

AI Report Card Top 9: Wow! I Still Love Rock N Roll!

By jeffreychrist | Published: Thu April 7, 2011 - 01:34am

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Last exploited with Season 7s Top 4 (David Cook, David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado and Jason Castro), Rock N Roll Hall of Fame is one of those voluminous themes that I can appreciate for the pure scope of material to derive from.

But the RnRHoF is not actually the theme, because neither one artist nor their catalogue need to be in the Hall for the Idol’s to perform (now that would’ve been super sweet – imagine Pia doing “Ray Of Light” by inductee Madonna to appease the judges’ weekly wish for her to lay off the ballads!) The real theme – though I don’t think Ryan mentioned it – is 500 Songs That Shaped Rock and Roll (no “Ray Of Light”, but raise your hand if the marriage of Haley and “Like A Virgin” titillates your sensorium!) which, according to Hall guardian James Henke, is a list “compiled with input from the museum’s curatorial staff and numerous rock critics and music experts…” (thanx Wikipedia!).

While it’s an expansive reach that touches the genres of each contestant’s métier, we’ll never be sure just how many of the 500 actually cleared for Idol, so we’re not really sure the full list choices the T9 had to choose from.

The 500 Songs… list wasn’t utilized so well last go around. I mean, my Report Card headline read “Jason Castro Must Be Destroyed” (yep, his “I Shot The Sheriff” and “Mr. Tambourine Man” are infamous Idol abortions that are still recalled with horror – and it was his long-overdue swan song. Though the headline skewered metaphorically, not literally). Since it was top 4, the finalists were given 2 choices (the best of that night? Of course, David Archuleta’s “Love Me Tender”).

But, like that Top 4, there’s such a stark contrast in styles and sensibilities in this year’s Top 9 that you could only proverbially hold your breath. I did. And you know what? I exhaled. Because, after all is said and done, and despite a few mishaps throughout the evening, Rock N Roll comes out unscathed.

 

“If I wind up in the bottom three, it won’t be because I sang the song bad, it won’t be because I sang the song wrong. It’ll be because everybody in America wasn’t ready to look at themselves in the mirror…” To which I reply “What conviction! What pride! What a bunch of absolute horse shit!” Not sure what his gobbledygook signified, exactly (what, the panel’s weekly masturbatory drug-induced fantasies aren’t enough for your ego, you buffoon?), with those actual words spewing out of his gargantuan head right before delivering another in an elongated line of vocal Sturm und Dangs, Tyler Perry’s Jacob Lusk (that’s what my brilliant, hilarious and, sadly, spot on, friend, Jim Cantiello, has perfectly nicknamed him) not only all but guarantees himself a spot in the bottom three for his staggering impertinence (my fingers are crossed), but it would be a long time a-comin’ for this howling, shrieking, drag queen to disappear from our screens every week. It’s time, America. Send this Idol menace home. Or to Logo.

Not content with being this year’s Idol cipher, Reinhart – to those who couldn’t see past the charade – mustered an afore unseen groove last week with a giddily mediagenic “Bennie & The Jets” (in which the teenpop machination of her basis slyly alluded to a more ‘adult’ métier, whether she – or we, really – knew it or not). Not so lucky this week. The idol joke of the year – besides the fawning over Jacob – is the “Janis” moniker the judges desperately tried to pin on Reinhart. Janis Joplin? By way of what, the mouseketeers? If Kidzbop recorded a version of, say, “Me & Bobbie McGee”, would you still call that “Joplin”? No. Tolerable? Sure. Affected? Heh, of course, don’t be ridiculous. Not the embarrassment I was hoping for (for a swift dismissal), she musters merely a B- for performance, but for the chutzpah to take on a rock icon of Joplin’s stature and not totally fail? She get’s an A plus for that.

Casey’s owed us some blue-eyed (?) soul for months now, and by pulling out his stand-up bass and interpreting the great CCR “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” with a restrained, winsome vocal, he – temporarily, anyway – found the mojo and sparkling elucidation that won me – and many others – over during the auditions and Hollywood weeks. Let’s just hope this isn’t provisional. Playing it safe or vocal rein? Does it matter? It was my favorite performance of the evening. Lauren, on the other hand – perchance due to her youth – lacked any corporeal alliance to Aretha’s “Natural Woman”. I’ll agree with Randy that it was a “good job” for a “difficult” song – Alaina does boast a strong, if pedestrian, voice – it was too dainty to make any real dent. But it sure was pretty.

Durbin’s instinct to shout to the rafters even when not necessary, forgoing quieter moments, is a frustrating power-over-emoting mechanism. That final banshee yowl is what almost invalidated an otherwise effective, reflective take on the Beatles’ “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”. But no one’s ever accused him of understatement. It struck me as hypocritical (as it did with Lusk earlier) that Randy failed to call out Durbin’s “pitchiness”, as he often does, especially the final fail wail, but in Durbin’s case, the imperfections worked for the obvious poignant toll the song has on his psyche.

Idol is merely batting practice for an almost surefire superstar status (now there’s an alliteration), I know, but technically, if there’s a fault in Scotty’s unabashedly proud Americana (besides his apparent awkward duet disability – see last week’s “I Told You So” – and peculiar facial tics), it’s his timbre. Not aesthetically, of course – that’s pure and blissfully hokey – but rather, it lacks youth, which, ironically, given his age, should be a marketable stronghold. 

His Elvis impersonation didn’t help in that regard, but, despite its corny glacé, worked as good as any Elvis impersonator currently seen on the Vegas strip. And, speaking of Vegas… Pia let slip during last week’s interwoven, post-performance mini-interview that she was performing “River Deep, Mountain High”, and my immediate fear came to fruition. Sung as powerfully and vocally adroit as is her forte (despite the very noticeable misses on more than just a few notes), Pia eschewed the grit and intensity of Tina Turner’s monster chops, instead merely enervated the much needed joy by invoking Celine Dion’s soulless version. She sang the hell out of it, that’s a given. But at what cost?

Unfair, the panel’s incessant whines regarding Pia’s weekly ballad recitals when Langone is, while preferable, just as guilty. His forceful nature always nullifies the effect/affect he’s aiming for, and there’s nary a time we don’t know he’s performing. While his “When A Man Loves A Woman” lacks the vital sophistication, his voice is gorgeous and his cadential falsetto assuages any physical melodramatics.

We’ve become dependent on Paul’s burring, but he’s testing my patience on a weekly basis. There’s never been an iota of lung power to anchor his flinty chops, which isn’t a necessity for his hipster (and not to mention cougar) appeal, but even he’s never been more mush-mouthed and indecipherable. He’s merely a derivative. Of himself.

REPORT CARD:

Jacob Lusk
Song: Michael Jackson’s MAN IN THE MIRROR
My grade: D (docked a FULL grade for his audacity and innuendo)

Haley Reinhart
Song: Janis Joplin’s PIECE OF MY HEART
My grade: B-

Casey Abrams
Song: Creedence Clearwater Revival’s HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RAIN
My grade: B+

Lauren Alaina
Song: Aretha Franklin’s NATURAL WOMAN
My grade: B

James Durbin
Song: The Beatles’ WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS
My grade: B+

Scotty McCreery
Song: Elvis Presley’s THAT’S ALL RIGHT MAMA
My grade: B+

Pia Toscano
Song: Ike & Tina Turner’s RIVER DEEP & MOUNTAIN HIGH
My grade: B

Stefano Langone
Song: Percy Sledge’s WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN
My grade: B

Paul McDonald
Song: Johnny Cash’s FOLSOM PRISON BLUES
My grade: B-

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